Today marks the twentieth anniversary of my father's passing. He was forty-three when he died of a heart attack, and I was fifteen. At the time it was devastating, more in the changes to my physical experience than my mental one. While I was never truly close to my father I did love him and missed him greatly. In the short term we suffered financially and my mother worked extremely hard to make us think nothing had changed. While we knew it had we all shared in this mutual illusion because we wanted it to be true. While the man was gone we did not want the home he helped create to go with him. Mom worked and the kids went to school and we kept things as close to the same as possible.
All these years I did not think that my father's death had affected me mentally or emotionally. I felt that I had moved from being a teenager with a father to one without, smoothly and intact. However as I grow older I realize that the smallest ripple can have tremendous impact in any number of unknown ways, in unknown areas. What is not faced does not disappear. It lingers on, at the edge of the psyche, and whispers its persistent presence.
Unconsciously I started a search to fill the role of my father. All older men who entered my life were candidates for the position. They attempted to do a job that I did not realize that I was filling and they did not realize they were working.
It was unfair to all involved because it was a relationship that was doomed to fail from the start. They could not live up to my expectations and they would always, inevitably, disappoint my unfounded fealty.
We have all heard the phrase, "Looking for love in all the wrong places," and we invariably associate this with romantic love. However, it can and does apply to any relationship. My father died twenty years ago and it is only now that I am truly feeling his loss. I honor his life by stopping my futile search. I had a father. I do not need to try and find an echo to experience a father's love. My father loved me and that is enough. I will remember him as best I can. As I face myself and recognize my own wholeness, the need to look outside of myself for love diminishes. It took twenty years but I am finally beginning to feel my father's true love emanating from within, as the exhaustive external search finally comes to its inevitable end.
Dean Soukeras is a published author, his most recent book is called The Link. He is also a Reiki practitioner, a shamanic healer and a Zen Buddhist monk. Dean ran a computer business for years, making it one of America's fastest growing businesses, according to Entrepreneur Magazine, before heeding a spiritual call. Now, with a solo-practice, Dean is finishing his next novel and works with clients to facilitate their physical and spiritual well being. I want to invite you to listen in on my talk show. Get all the details about it by clicking on the following link http://www.blogtalkradio.com/linktosacred You can find out more about Dean and his work at http://linktosacred.com/ Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dean_Soukeras |  |